Daddy, it’s only two weeks to Christmas. I’m a bit of an old hand at this – it will be my fourth one in all. Even so, there are still some things I think we need to discuss man-to-man. So here are some questions.
I saw a book called Father Christmas and the Naughty Step, should I be worried? No, because there is no naughty step in our house. Not because you’re a perfect child, or because we’re perfect parents, but because we prefer to just have a little chat somewhere quiet or call a ‘time out’. There’s nothing wrong, necessarily, with the word naughty in the right context, but a time out or a little chat doesn’t need to be as a result of misbehaviour. Well, that’s the preachy parents’ answer, but just as true is that it’s a little tight for space at the bottom of our stairs already and there are lots of interesting pictures on the wall to look at, so it’s quite a nice place to be.
I’ve only got one thing on my list for Santa at the moment. Do I need more? Not necessarily. Especially when the one thing officially on your list – a Postman Pat helicopter – is part of a line of stock that has been discontinued, as I discovered when making inquiries on behalf of Father Christmas today. But don’t worry, I think Santa has many resources and will probably be able to find one for you.
You haven’t done what you normally do have you and, having heard that I like one thing, rushed out and told Santa to get me everything available connected to that thing? Errr….
Is it true that I have to keep my room tidy in order for Santa to visit? Not really. Which is just as well, otherwise I wouldn’t have had a present for the past 30 years.
Could you explain to me how, when you taught me how to sing Jingle Bells, I had to be informed later by others that, in fact, the second line is not ‘Batman smells’? I think it’s just regional variations. Mind you, whenever you convert the chorus of Little Jesus Sweetly Sleep into the Queen’s version of We Will Rock You, it is met with near universal approval.
Will I have to eat sprouts on Christmas Day? To be perfectly frank, I’d much prefer it if you didn’t.
Other people tell me that Father Christmas likes a glass of sherry and a mince pie, how come you insist he likes Robinson’s Bitter and mature Manx cheddar? It’s what he told me.
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