Miner Celebrity….Get Me Out of Here

To keep up with the times, I’ve come up with a new concept for a reality show.

People, it seems, are getting a little fed up with the current series of I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here, with the suggestion made that certain contestants don’t really seem cut out for the show.

This is a little surprising, as one poor contestant, Helen Flanagan, surely fits the bill? She was once a soap actress, she winds people up a bit and, crucially, spends a lot of her time wearing small bikinis.

I would have thought that made Helen – who as Coronation Street’s Rosie Webster turned from a rather clever goth to an empty headed aspiring model with alarming speed – perfect for the show.

Perhaps it’s the formula of such programmes that is tired?

Reality shows featuring B list celebrities have been around for quite some time now.

Perhaps instead of television series full of minor celebrities, we should produce a show featuring celebrity miners?

Find a disused coal mine – and let’s be honest, there are a few knocking around – set up a few cameras, call a few agents and, hey presto, you’ve got a reality television show that Channel 5 would pick up quicker than Stephen Fry could say something clever.

There could be a wide range of tasks for the contestants with varying degrees of difficulty.

From ‘strike breaking’, where a contestant is locked in a coach as the other angry ‘miners’ shout abuse and bang on the windows; to ‘police brutality’, where one celebrity has to run a gauntlet of waving truncheons, the potential for tough trials is limitless.

So who to invite?

Obviously, we need an actor/actress who has recently left a soap opera and is currently waiting for the film deal to drop through the letter box, mostly while wearing not many clothes.

Then we need a singer from a band that used to be a lot more relevant. I believe Mick Jagger’s a bit tied up for a few weeks, so maybe Cheryl Cole could give it a go.

For a bit of retro mining action, perhaps we could engage Keith Harris and Orville to perform the canary test each day.

Of course, it is obligatory to have a ‘celebrity’ whose actual fame comes from being in another reality show and subsequently appearing on the arm of a famous footballer at various nightclubs. It would be unfair to argue that Cheryl ticks this category; or Tulisa, for that matter.

Chances are, though, there will be someone from TOWIE desperate enough to do it.

A politician who is looking to carve out a media career is a must. As is someone the public once held in contempt but may possibly have warmer feelings for with the passage of time.

There’s a certain ex-prime minister who could fit the bill on both counts, if only because it would be a headline-writer’s gift to be able to write ‘Major to miner’.

Naturally, a fading sports star who never misses an opportunity to search out the spotlight would complete the bill.

You probably wouldn’t even need to ask John Terry; he’d already be there with his miner’s helmet on.

Alternatively, of course, you could invite a lot of celebrities, send them down a mine with Arthur Scargill for a month and just forget to film it. I’m sure we could all think of people to take part in that.

Follow Paul Speller on Twitter: @Norbertsdad


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About Paul Speller

Writer, journalist, husband, dad.
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