In light of recent events and following a groundswell of public support – at least eight ‘likes’ on Facebook and unequivocal backing such as ‘how hard can it be?’ – I can now confirm that I shall be applying for the at-present vacant job of director general of the BBC.
Below I outline my 16 point plan for restoring the BBC to the great institution it once was. Clearly, news and current affairs form the main areas requiring reform, but this manifesto takes a look at the BBC as a whole.
- The issuing of sackcloth and ashes to all BBC employees, so that they can be worn at the first hint of the Beeb having done something wrong.
- A strict limit on appearances on BBC programmes by the following: Andrew Marr, Fearne Cotton, Jennie Bond.
- Bring back an old fashioned BBC ident to remind us of a time when not everyone was out to get the corporation.
- More episodes of Pointless. Fewer programmes with pointless celebrities.
- Travel and history programmes to be presented by people with expertise or understanding in the subject matter covered. (Commissioning editors struggling to understand this concept will be sent the entire DVD package of Coast.)
- Commission a Panorama investigation into how many newspaper editors or proprietors resigned after wrongly accusing a person of murder on the basis they looked a little different from most people, or who left of their own volition in shame at phone hacking scandals.
- Save on overtime by allowing news reporters to go home once they have filed a story about which there won’t be any further developments that evening, rather than make them stand outside in the freezing cold for a couple more hours just so they can appear live on the 10 O’Clock News and tell us exactly the same thing as they said on the Six O’Clock News.
- Turn News 24 into a genuine rolling news network by putting presenters into Zorb balls for the hourly bulletins.
- Bring back Test Match cricket to the BBC. But use the TMS commentary.
- A guarantee that Philip Schofield will never be asked to return to the BBC.
- No more episodes of Miranda.
- Gary Lineker to be prohibited from presenting any sports coverage other than football. And a limit to be put on that, as well.
- Merger of BBC4 and Television X to produce programmes such as Icelandic detective novels read by oddly proportioned ladies in skimpy garments. (Thus guaranteeing support of the BBC from at least two national newspapers.)
- Fewer jingles on Radio Five Live.
- Send Chris Patten back to Hong Kong.
- Encourage people to take a look at other broadcasters around the world and then think again about whether they really want to destroy the BBC.
Follow Paul Speller on Twitter: @Norbertsdad
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