I am delighted to announce that I have uncovered the script to an episode of Fireman Sam that has never been aired.
It can be revealed for this first time today:
It is an ordinary day in Pontypandy. The sun is shining, reflecting in the first flecks of grey to appear in Charlie Jones’ his ‘jazz berk’ beard . Although he is showing the signs of age, Charlie is happy as he is at sea on his boat. It’s where he feels most at home, away from his nauseating two children James and Sarah and equally irritating hippy wife Bronwyn, who is busy frying a fish.
But the peace is disturbed by a terrible din from the clifftops. It’s that show-off Fireman Sam, who’s roaring over the grassy top on his quad bike.
But his superior officer is unimpressed.
Station Officer Steele: Fireman Sam, what are you doing on that quad bike? It does not have any firefighting equipment onboard and you look like an idiot in that helmet.
Fireman Sam (in a faintly patronising tone): Well, Sir, I am riding this quad bike because Christmas is on its way and Chief Fire Officer Boyce says I need to be seen on it in as many episodes as possible to boost sales in the toy shops.
Station Officer Steele: Ah, yes, right. Carry on then Sam.
Back at the station, Elvis Cridlington is reading his Open University text book when Penny Morris walks in. He quickly hides his book, as he is happy to continue with his idiot savant persona up until the very moment he sits the promotion exam.
Elvis: Duh, hello Penny.
Penny: Hello Elvis. Haven’t you cleaned the floor yet? It really could do with it, but I’m not allowed to as we must ensure there are no stereotypical roles allowed in Pontypandy.
Cut to Pontypandy High Street; where Bella Lasagna, the Italian former restaurateur, reappears for the first time in more than six years.
Bella: Mamma Mia! I wandered into Sam’s inventing shed in 2005 and the next thing I knew, both the shed and I were in some kind of cartoon never-land. Cartoonito still has the shed locked up, but they finally let me come back.
Bronwyn: So it’s not true that you’d run off with Captain Bertorelli from Allo Allo?
Bella: Well, yes, for a while. What a mistake-a to make-a.
Norman Price glides past on his skateboard. He looks upset.
Bronwyn: What’s the matter, Norman?
Norman: Well, I was in the shop when I heard mum in the storeroom say she wanted to see the ‘little treasure’. So I walked in and she was there with Trevor Evans – and shouted at me to get out. I thought I was her Little Treasure?
Unfortunately, at this point the script has become a little tattered so cannot be reproduced until more restorative work has taken place. Hopefully we will be able to answer some of the following questions:
- Will Dilys Price explain what she meant?
- Following the arrival of a steam train from nowhere, will Pontypandy be connected to any major rail network?
- What happens after the health and safety executive pays a visit to Moose Roberts?
- And will anyone notice the similarity between Fireman Sam’s hair colour and that of Norman Price, then put two and two together and wonder why Sam is always the one to give the young tearaway some fatherly advice?
We’ll just have to wait and see.
Follow Paul Speller on Twitter: @Norbertsdad
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